How to be Polarizing in a Good Way

We all know that men are viewed as passionate, while women are viewed as “emotional.” Men are thought to be aggressive (in a good way) and women are “bitchy.” Men are war time CEOs and women create “toxic work environments.” Men are competitive and women are “catty.”

But when it comes to being polarizing, the gender differences are more nuanced. Take it from me. My first BusinessWeek cover almost set a new record for hate mail; I incited one of the first Twitter mobs; I was written about (erroneously) hundreds of times on gossip blogs; my previous investigative journalism company had more than $400 million in (baseless) legal threats; a top Silicon Valley venture capitalist once summoned my boss to his house at midnight to demand I be fired. Oh, and then there was the time the largest private company in Silicon Valley history was so furious at me, they spitballed a $1 million budget to go after my family.

And once I accidentally said “blow job queen” on Fox news.

I can tell you right now that 50% of Silicon Valley VCs absolutely loathe me. That is a conservative number, my friends. Is that a liability as a female founder, given the odds are stacked against me?

Nope. It’s an advantage.

Why? Because the other 50% know exactly what I stand for. I call out things they hate as well, and they know when the sh*t hits the fan, I will never give up, because I have publicly faced the worst and remained utterly defiant.

I am polarizing in a good way.

It is a thing. And you know what? It is more important if you are a woman in a male dominated industry.

Why?

Everyone knows who you are and even the people who hate you kind of respect you.

You stand out from the crowd.

It’s an easy way to build a brand. I know so many brilliant technical female founders who get turned down because they don’t have a “media brand.”

They know you’ll get press, you’ll get keynotes, you’ll get the meetings.

People HATE YOU, sure. But there’s always a large number of people who will never fund you if you’re an underrepresented founder. Being polarizing is an efficient way to weed them out.

Is it always fun being polarizing?

No. My job as an investigative journalist was basically to be mildly hated at all times. As the Chairman of Pando once said, “We should always piss off 15% of our audience everyday, it’s just that we should rotate which 15%.” I regularly lost friends and inflamed people.

Once my kids were at a baseball game with me, and I offered someone who dropped their ice cream mine. “Mom, you are so nice,” Eli said. “You are just so nice, I don’t know why everyone’s so terrified of you!”

I used to hear it all the time: “You are so much nicer than I thought you’d be.”

It was not my job to be “nice” and that was liberating as a woman in a male dominated industry.

BUT.

Being polarizing in the right way is an art form, and I see a lot of people do it wrong. Especially women.

You cannot play the same bro game, because it blows back on us differently. (Ask every female founder who has been raked over the coals and fired for creating a hostile work environment. Compare that to, say, every bro.)

You have to be thoughtful about it. You have to do it strategically.

Most importantly: You need to understand your story first, and how whatever polarizing thing you are about to do fits into it. The polarizing thing has to fit that narrative. You need to see yourself as the hero, know who your villain is, what your story is, and why it’s urgent right now.

While it was harrowing, and not fun at all, my brand increased when I was threatened by Uber. Because my brand was being a fearless investigative journalist.

Context matters.

When I was running Pando, we faced $400 million in baseless lawsuits. As long as our story was good…Amazing! Let’s publish them! Let’s fight them and get discovery!

We go out of business? OK! There are far worse ways to go out of business as a journalist.

If I get a $400 million lawsuit running Chairman Mom? Way different story.

Consider the macro story of spotty background checks in the sharing economy.

Travis Kalanick? Well then you are a disruptor! A badass! Can’t make an omelet without mugging a few eggs…

Sheila Marcelo of Care.com? You are out of a job.

I am not surprised that so many female founders get taken out by the press.. Is it bias? Yep. But it’s also a lot of unforced errors. I can tell you right now that the New York Times will take down and scrutinize the next female founder (if, that is, she raises a big enough round, in a way that only women are scrutinized). I can tell you that because I’ve had a career of people taking me down, surviving it, and taking down people myself.

Want to learn to be polarizing in a good way? Want to learn how not to make unforced errors?

Join my upcoming Zoom event, hosted with Paul Carr — my long time partner in the controversy trenches. We’ll be talking about some of the lessons in our upcoming New Media Mastery course, taught with Lesley Gold, with special guests Lisa Cron, Tara Nichole Nelson, David Barrett, Aaron Levie, and Brian Chesky.

It’s an incredible 8 week masterclass on alllllll things media, and it costs less than the cost of rectifying one PR crisis.

Learn more about how to be polarizing (in a good way) and about New Media Mastery on Tuesday, August 17 at 6pm PT. RSVP here.